I’m tired of hearing this is your job or just wait until X. No, absolutely not. I hate antibiotics because they completely mess me up. I have those very real dreams, only instead of waking up right before the moment of death, I live it. I feel every ounce of pain that my mind has decided I should encounter. But, as a result, I have developed a greater fascination with death. Not in the dying or the after parts, instead in the ways in which I can feel alive so that when that great pain comes, I know exactly what it was to feel alive. Maybe that is why I have become reckless, a bit more on the edge of my seat, with each passing day. I need a greater high to make me feel alive.
So when I hear people tell me just do it because this is what you signed up for. I cringe. No, it doesn’t have to be. And I’ve learned I can very much tie up the ends and walk away. To another “job,” another adventure, another possibility. And we all know that waiting is useless. There’s no life in waiting. Putting things on hold is the enemy to living, wrapped in a gold foil of ‘Could Be’ delusion.
So here I am. Strategically, tying up loose ends and moving forward. Because the only job I have is to live in my experiences, not get through them. And that’s the honest truth.
Friends, it takes courage, but in all bravery there is the ball of anticipation of living. It feels better than the ball of anxiety, dread, or regret. It feels more worthwhile to pursue. So quite possibly, courage is merely a strong-willed selfishness. I’ve made up my mind and I’m not going back on my decision. I am going to ride into battle with whatever I can carry and swing until there is no more life to give.
When was the last time you gave something every ounce of your willpower, resolve, and inner strength? When did you let your struggles make you feel alive rather than merely treading water? I want to struggle to feel alive rather than to struggle to keep going. I want the current to be a bit stronger and time to be that much more against me. I want to feel as if it is a great race and I am the right woman for the job, my job, the job of living. I want a career in life and a degree in experiences.
Everything else is just external contexts, of which those can be changed, at any time, and indefinitely. It’s not my job to make them work. It’s my job to make me work. And if my current context isn’t doing that, then I’m not doing my real job. I need to put me to work, not in survival, but in living. And this girl right here is putting her hair up, rolling up her sleeves, and getting to work. There will be dirt and grease under my nails, quite possibly glue in my hair, and a grand band stand of lifetime achievements when it’s all done. I’m tired of doing the jobs that others insist I do, and I’m even more exhausted having been told to wait. Give me a good playlist and let me do what I’m good at. Designing the greatest art piece of my career: the installation of my life. I won’t experience dying without experiencing living.
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